Rudy Giuliani Leaves Small Michigan Town in Ruins

By Conor William McMahon the IV

In the wake of losing the Michigan Republican Primaries on January 15, Rudolph Giuliani lost control of his rage and proceeded to wreck havoc upon a small Michigan town. At his campaign headquarters in the small town of Harrisville, Michigan, the former mayor of New York began destroying everything in sight, after being informed he had lost yet another primary.
“Well obviously he was upset when the news came,” says Bob Windfolk Jr, Michigan campaign manger for Giuliani, “he had worked very hard, trying to get the people here to 'swing a cricket bat' his way. In fact,” says Windfolk, “to show his determination and dedication, Giuliani completely bypassed all the major cities of Michigan, and campaigned strictly in the rural areas. You know, the workin' man's land.”
But couldn't ignoring the majority of the voters be the reason why Giuliani lost the primary? “No,” says Windfolk shaking his head, “no, no, no, no, no.” Windfok would then refuse to continue the matter and would only vaguely talk about the economic growth of Venezuelan cat food production.
So what exactly did Giuliani do after being told of his defeat? According to eyewitnesses, Guiliani took the Bhutanese baby he was previously being photographed with, and threw it against the opposite wall in anger. Giuliani then proceed to take a crippled boy's cane, and used it to beat anyone in his path. His clothes torn and his hair disoriented, Giuliani eventually made his way to Main Street where he began to douse cars, park benches, and people, with Old Tom's Family Gasoline, and then lit them with his World Trade Center lighter. Giuliani also went into several shops, smacked the teenage clerks with 'Vote Romney' signs, and proceeded to light the stores on fire. Soon chaos reigned the town.
“I'm only glad that I was able to save our gallery's most prized possessions,” said Martha “Lazy Eye” Thatcher, the owner of the local William Ewart Gladstone Art Gallery, which was destroyed by Giuliani, “what would the children say if our portraits of Frank Caliendo and That 70s Show's Kurtwood Smith burned to pieces. I didn't mind seeing our authentic paintings of General Ambrose Burnside, Warren G. Harding, or the rare Alexander Hamilton portrait go up in flames, but God take me from this earth when these two are eradicated,” she says, clutching the Caliendo and Smith paintings to her chest.
Eventually Giuliani calmed down, after 17 ½ hours. It was reported that in the middle of spray painting the walls of the town's elementary school with vulgar swear words, Giuliani was told by his advisers, through a megaphone, that there was still a chance of winning the next primary in South Carolina. Apparently Giuliani changed form instantly, going from a foaming-at-the-mouth hobo, to a well-cut business man in milliseconds. As he made his way through a town that looked liked it had just suffered a nuclear war, Giuliani stopped at the mayor's office before getting on his private jet.
“I am dreadfully sorry of the trouble I may have caused,” he said in a quiet voice, “but I hope this covers it”, as he pulled out a twenty dollar bill and left.