Rent Ends: Mortgage Begins

After twelve years of running on Broadway, Jonathan Larson's smash musical Rent will come to a close, come the 1st of June, 2008. This monumental drama about twenty-somethings living La Vie Bohème in New York City during the 1990s, was a hit from the very beginning, going from an off Broadway boom to a Broadway ka-boom, in a mere two months. Rent addressed topics like AIDS, heroin abuse, the LGBTQ community, and life as a struggling artist. It will without a doubt be regarded in the same respect as classics like Raisin in the Sun, and Hair.
But hey! No more dwelling on the boohoo! A new musical is in town, and this one is making people say "Rent who? Rent wha?" Yes, that's right, disregard every thing I said in the last paragraph, because while Rent may be leaving Broadway, there's a new classic on the rise, and this one spins a different tale about American life. It's called "Snoopy in The Oval Office", and it happens to star combating Republican Presidential Candidates Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney!
"It came to me -well, us- in a dream" smiles Mitt Romney as he motions between himself and his self-proclaimed "Partner in Crime", Mike Huckabee.
"A dream of a dream!" laughs Mr. Huckabee, as he quotes one of his favourite movies, The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. "It's about Jesus you know!" Mr. Huckabee says, concerning his love for The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. Both men laugh.
"Don't get me started on Jesus!" Mr. Romney says, inspiring both men to laugh again. "He's one of the only things 'ole Mike-abee and I disagree on," Mr.Romney informs me, "other than religion, he and I are like oil and vinegar; we make a delicious salad!"
A delicious musical, too! "Snoopy in The Oval Office" is a story of love, betrayal, and those cut-throat decisions that are "oh too familiar in the life a modern Politician", says Mr. Huckabee.
This musical came about when Mr. Huckabee and Mr. Romney were "knockin' back a coupla cold ones," Mr. Romney says, as he describes that fateful night on the Nevada Caucus campaign trail. The two men became heavily intoxicated, and before they could say "evolution doesn't exist", a new Broadway baby was born.
"Normally after a night of heavy drinking, I like to let bygones be bygones," explains Mr. Huckabee, "but when I woke up that morning, I turned to Mittens here, and said "Hell Mittens, I don't think we can let what happened in Las Vegas, stay in Las Vegas!" And boy did Mr. Romney agree.
"Boy did I agree!" says Mr. Romney, "I got my Great Uncle Gomeson on the phone, he's an old Hollywood type you see, he knows show business inside and out, and I says to him, I says 'Ole Gomey, you gotta read this script! It's a keeper!', and 'Ole Gomey says to me 'I'll be the judge of that!'" Mr. Romney laughs, "What a hoot 'Ole Gomey is."
Before the two candidates knew it, they were on their way to being the next Cats.
"I guess we'll just have to play it by ear," Mr. Huckabee says, putting his arm around Mr. Romney's shoulders, "We're just thankful we met up at the right place, at the right time."

Rudy Giuliani Leaves Small Michigan Town in Ruins

By Conor William McMahon the IV

In the wake of losing the Michigan Republican Primaries on January 15, Rudolph Giuliani lost control of his rage and proceeded to wreck havoc upon a small Michigan town. At his campaign headquarters in the small town of Harrisville, Michigan, the former mayor of New York began destroying everything in sight, after being informed he had lost yet another primary.
“Well obviously he was upset when the news came,” says Bob Windfolk Jr, Michigan campaign manger for Giuliani, “he had worked very hard, trying to get the people here to 'swing a cricket bat' his way. In fact,” says Windfolk, “to show his determination and dedication, Giuliani completely bypassed all the major cities of Michigan, and campaigned strictly in the rural areas. You know, the workin' man's land.”
But couldn't ignoring the majority of the voters be the reason why Giuliani lost the primary? “No,” says Windfolk shaking his head, “no, no, no, no, no.” Windfok would then refuse to continue the matter and would only vaguely talk about the economic growth of Venezuelan cat food production.
So what exactly did Giuliani do after being told of his defeat? According to eyewitnesses, Guiliani took the Bhutanese baby he was previously being photographed with, and threw it against the opposite wall in anger. Giuliani then proceed to take a crippled boy's cane, and used it to beat anyone in his path. His clothes torn and his hair disoriented, Giuliani eventually made his way to Main Street where he began to douse cars, park benches, and people, with Old Tom's Family Gasoline, and then lit them with his World Trade Center lighter. Giuliani also went into several shops, smacked the teenage clerks with 'Vote Romney' signs, and proceeded to light the stores on fire. Soon chaos reigned the town.
“I'm only glad that I was able to save our gallery's most prized possessions,” said Martha “Lazy Eye” Thatcher, the owner of the local William Ewart Gladstone Art Gallery, which was destroyed by Giuliani, “what would the children say if our portraits of Frank Caliendo and That 70s Show's Kurtwood Smith burned to pieces. I didn't mind seeing our authentic paintings of General Ambrose Burnside, Warren G. Harding, or the rare Alexander Hamilton portrait go up in flames, but God take me from this earth when these two are eradicated,” she says, clutching the Caliendo and Smith paintings to her chest.
Eventually Giuliani calmed down, after 17 ½ hours. It was reported that in the middle of spray painting the walls of the town's elementary school with vulgar swear words, Giuliani was told by his advisers, through a megaphone, that there was still a chance of winning the next primary in South Carolina. Apparently Giuliani changed form instantly, going from a foaming-at-the-mouth hobo, to a well-cut business man in milliseconds. As he made his way through a town that looked liked it had just suffered a nuclear war, Giuliani stopped at the mayor's office before getting on his private jet.
“I am dreadfully sorry of the trouble I may have caused,” he said in a quiet voice, “but I hope this covers it”, as he pulled out a twenty dollar bill and left.

Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini

An Exclusive Interview with Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini
By Sean "Clappy" Donovan

I caught up with Ayatollah Khomeini, the famous Islamic Shia Cleric on the site of his new film, Minnesota Or Bust, a buddy comedy he's co-directing, co-writing, and co-starring in with Kenan Thompson. I wanted to interview Thompson as well, but he left in a hurry to work on his new film Space Chimps, in which he is starring alongside Jeff Daniels, Cheryl Hines, and Stanley Tucci.

Read a Transcript of Our Chat!

Walrus's Gambling Anonymous

In a recent double-blind study conducted by the Harvard Institute of Media and Deities, studies showed that too much Reality TV can cause the viewer's brain to turn into mashed potatoes. Sadly, due to the Writer's Guild of America going on strike in November, and consequently no new shows with sustenance being created, many people's brains have been doing just that. Right now, I bet you are thinking "Mmm! Delicious! I love free 'taters". But, re-think that excitement; how do you know your brains aren't pounds and pounds of buttery, potato-y goodness right now? Exactly! You don't!
Okay, let's say your brains are fine. Is there an end in sight for this strike? Well, right now: no. Right now, very few talks are in the works. However, a few late-night shows, the genre of television that suffered most, have returned sans writers. These shows include The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Late Night with Conan O'Brian, and my two personal favourites, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report. All four shows support the WGA in their struggles with The Man, who in this case happen to be the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers.
Well, honestly, who wouldn't be on the WGA's side? Basically, they are asking for a share in the profits made by the production companies, when the writer's show, movie, or radio program is sold in an online format, i.e. itunes, emusic, internet, etc. To this, the AMPTP replied "Do you smell smoke?!" and ran out of the room.
Anyway, back to the mashed potatoes. Since there are no writers to write the shows, many networks have been depending on Reality TV to fill the void that is good broadcasting. Luckily, as I mentioned before, the only shows I watch came back! Jon Stewart of The Daily Show, and Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report, are huge supporters of the WGA. When both shows returned on January 9th, The Daily Show spent the entire half hour doing only WGA coverage, and rather than the silly satirical jokes Daily Show viewers so anxiously waited 8 weeks to see, there was a heavy, almost suffocating dreariness surrounding Jon, the desk, and I could have sworn I heard the camera man weeping. Jon Stewart, in a most admirable move, even temporarily changed the show title to "A Daily Show", stating that "The Daily Show" was a program put together by talented writers, producers, and crew, and without all parts present, it couldn't possibly be considered the same show. The title change has even been acknowledged in the opening credits, with "The" crossed out, and an "A" typed over it.
As Mike Huckabee said about the WGA, "They're dead right on this one... I don't think anybody supports the producers on this one. Maybe the producers support the producers, but I think everybody in the business and even the general public supports the writers". Of course, this might have to do with the fact it was Hollywood writers who implanted the phrase "I heart Huckabee" into the minds of millions, years before he even ran. But hey, if brains can turn into Thanksgiving side dishes, then I'm sure it's possible for a republican to be behind a union wholeheartedly.